Movie Review
Disney’s Star Wars:
The Rise of Skywalker

Be with me. Be with me. Be with me. 

— Rey Kenobi-Amidala

I just got back from seeing Star Wars: Rise of Skywalker at the Maya Cinemas in Salinas, CA. After an ill-fated plan to attend a Christmas Day screening with my family and fiancee, I decided to wait for Matinee Tuesday.

Screw the critics.

Of course I’d heard criticism. I’d also heard praise. I noticed that the chatter coming from my friends was mostly positive, so the critics can suck it! Always give your peers’ views more due than some random who’s paid to have a loud opinion.

I love Star Wars.

I love the idea of a huge universe separate from our own, unlimited by anything but the imagination of its massive fanbase. I understand Disney’s frustration with pre-existing paradigms (but I still won’t forgive the Solo Story footnote). It’s impossible to make everyone happy when you’re wrapping up not just a beloved trilogy, but an epic saga that spans three trilogies. Feelings will be hurt. Boo hoo. Let’s move on.

THIS DOES NOT MEAN THE FOOL GETS AN OUT.

RIAN JOHNSON MUST BURN

Spoilers: the people who died in real life also died in the movie. Also, there are hints at non-Jedi characters having Force-sensitivity. Lando’s back and acting like he was a good guy all along (are we all forgetting that the first time we saw him, he betrayed our heroes to Darth Vader and Boba Fett? Seriously! They were waiting in the banquet hall!).

Rey’s parentage was revealed, and it wasn’t a huge surprise. With all the focus on family bloodlines and the fact that Emperor Palpatine literally created Anakin Skywalker inside poor (what’s his mom’s name again?) womb with weird Sith voodoo, it was about as full circle as JJ Abrams could manage.

JJ MIGHT HAVE DONE BETTER IF RIAN JOHNSON HADN’T F*CKED THE LAST JEDI

Disney is smart. They gave us The Mandalorian (and more importantly, Baby Yoda) to show just how incredible new stories can be. This led us to realize that maybe, just maybe, we can let go of the past. We got seven out of the eight episodes (they even released 7 early to give moviegoers time for one last reminder before strapping in for one last attempt at appeasing a fan base spanning 40 years), then it was time to rise.

Two and a half hours of Star Wars is something I’ll never complain about. It’s more Star Wars! I was disappointed that we never saw the Hayden Christensen-teased “old/young” Anakin Skywalker apparition, and underwhelmed at the “cuteness” of Babu Frik. 

Baby Yoda or Die

Rise of Skywalker tied up the loose ends in the best way it could. We were given misty-eyed moments, “ah-ha!”s, and at long last some halfway decent lightsaber dueling! I can only imagine how much better it might have been were it not for…well, I won’t bore you with the details.

I WON’T NAME NAMES BUT YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE RIAN JOHNSON

And you know what you’ve done.